Lady of Sorrow Revisited: Now With Commentary
by AlexAmericus
Summary: I've been waiting to do this for a long time now, but thanks to the no copy-paste policy, I've had to type this whole thing out. My hands hurt. I have never read a more boring fanfiction in my life, and that is definitely something. No one asked for this, I did this on a whim as always. This is rated 'T' for a reason, and that reason is my mouth - it's foul. Worse than a sailor's.
1. Totally Obligatory Introduction

Guess who's back?

That's right. The friendly Ravenclaw you all know and love, and possibly hate. This time I'm commentating the acclaimed Twilight fanfiction 'Lady of Sorrow.' I have got to say, I've only commentated two chapters prior to creating this introduction, and I have never been so bored while commentating. So please excuse me if my commentary is a little lackluster, I had to put some music on and sing along in order to keep myself awake.

I'm even trying to prevent myself from falling asleep right now. Maybe putting the Les Misérables soundtrack on wasn't such a good idea after all. Beatles here I come.

For the newcomers:

Welcome! I'll warn you right now, this might hurt your brain a little bit.

This introduction is considerably shorter than the other ones mostly because the commentary mentally drained me. This just goes to show that if I'm going to post another snarky, passive aggressive commentary, I should begin with the introduction well before I start the commentary.

One new thing: There's some serious talk in this one. I know, not what you're expecting, but there were some details written as material in the fanfiction that I felt needed to be addressed in the fanfiction itself. Those who read my stuff before - you know it's bad when I have to stop my commentary to give a PSA.

**BIG GODDAMN DISCLAIMER: **I am not responsible for any brain cells killed throughout your reading of this atrocity. It is your own damn fault you clicked on this!

Just kidding.

But seriously, please don't sue me.

Anyhow, any references you find are not mine. They're things I pulled out of my demented brain. So there. Unless I say it in footnotes, it's not mine.


	2. Chapter 1

Lady of Sorrow

Chapter 1 **[There was an unbelievable amount of dashes before and after 'Chapter 1,' I deleted them for my own convenience.]**

Darkness surrounds me, the cloak of black air goes around me like a cloak. **[Redundancy is redundant.]** I feel black darkness **[Only 1 1/2 sentences in and we already have two redundancy comments. That is a new record.]** swirlying round me. Then I woke up. I had this dream for lots and nights in a row, **[Ummm...who the what now?] **and I have been trying t work out what it means, because usually I can interpret dreams because I have a gift but not this one. **[What the what?]** The night is my favourite time of the day because it is the time when it is dark **[No shit Sherlock. The Earth rotates around this thing called the Sun.]** and the mysterious things come out of where they are and start to come out. **[Is she purposely trying to be redundant now?]** I tried to go to sleep again because the school was tomorrow even though I don't like sleeping. **[If I had the ability to raise one eyebrow, I think I would lose one.]**

I go to a school in Monroeville which is 3 hours away in the car **[As opposed to outside of the car.][Alt. Three hours away...for me that's halfway to San Diego, California.]** (because we live in the middle of a forest) **[**_***Slenderman, Slenderman, all the children try to run.***_**]** so I need to get up very early every single day and I get home really late, like the songbird heralding the dawn. **[Lolwut?]** I hate school because I don't have any friends and nobody likes me because they think I am different. **[Boo fucking hoo.]** I don't care though because I am a free spirit, **[That's what the hippies said in the 1970s.]** and I know I am a better person then all the preppy slutty girls and jocks. **[You are starting the sound like Ebony.]**

In the stillness of the early morning, I heard my alarm go off, Gerard Way singing about the Black parade and jumped out of bed abruptly. **[This is starting to sound too similar to My Immortal.]** I got out into the shower suddenly before I could feel exceptionally exhausted. **[Christ on fire, so much flowery language that doesn't belong.]** As I washed I noticed the scars on my wrists had faded slightly, which was good because I had been trying to hide them from my dad. **[From experience, I can tell you that that doesn't work.]** My dad hates me because I don't mix in at school and he thinks it would be better if I was a sheep and followed the crowds, not understanding my true free nature, **[Ah, the Misunderstood Sue...or is it the Emo Sue. I can't tell.]** and that I'd much rather be a loner than an unintelligent popular who everyone hates. **[Oxymoron. Popular = well liked or most common.]**

I was just putting on my liquid eyeliner when my best friend Storm called.

"Hey Helena" **[How convenient. She shares a name to the popular MCR song.]** she said darkly.

"Hi Storm" I replied back hastily.

"Guess what?" She exclaimed surprisedly. "Today Mrs. Sylvia said that there is going to be a new boy in school." **[Unless you're friends with your teacher on Facebook I don't see how you can have that information and our Mary Sue doesn't.]**

"Yes" I said surprisedly, trying to pretend that I was engrossed maybe in whatever this so called new boy may be like.

"Apparently he is from a really mysterious family. **[If they're mysterious then how do you know of them?]** I'm apparently **[**_**Stop saying 'apparently!' You're using it wrong!**_**]** quite interested to know what he may be like!" Storm cried.

"See ya!" I crooned. **[That was a quite abrupt end to a conversation.]**

After I put my makeup on I went down to eat breakfast. My dad says he doesn't like my eating breakfast after I have got ready but I don't like to conform to the ideals of society. **[Umm...it is a known fact that if you eat breakfast you perform much better throughout the day. What kind of parent would disagree with their child eating the most important meal of the day...Oh whoops. I forgot this was a Sue-Fic.]** My dad came down just as I was consuming my nutritious muesli.

After breakfast I decided to watch the sixth sense, **["I see dead people." Sorry couldn't resist.][Alt. The only movie Shyamalan won a good award for.]** but I didn't have enough time to watch all of it so I pressed stop on the DVD player and left it on standby so I could watch the rest when I got home. **[That was probably one of the most useless and obvious sentences I had ever read in a fanfiction.]** Then my dad said we had to go.

As I got in the car I began to feel very sleepy again. I feel quickly asleep in the car listening to Fall out Boy on my old Ipod. It was only a shuffle, which displeased me, **[Hey, I had a Shuffle, and that thing served me well on those long bus rides through Canada. I think I still have it in a drawer somewhere.]** because I really wanted to have a Ipod Nano but my dad was too selfish and said I needed to be taught a lesson. **[Wait, whoa. I'm sorry, but Our Sue is really starting to sound like a spoiled little brat that kicks, screams, and cries whenever she doesn't get what she wants. And I am not okay with that. My sanity just dropped a few points.]** I didn't care about him anyway.

So I had a dream **[**_***I dreamed a dream in time gone by...***_**] **where the blackness started embracing ungulfing me in its mirey depths, **[*snore*]** and I still didn't know what it meant. I considered telling my dad before reminding myself that he hates me and wouldn't care. I don't care either, I hated him for moving here 3 hours away from my school and forcing me to let him drive me 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon, **[*snore*]** so I had to get up at half 4 every morning. **[Oh please. I get up at 4 a.m. sharp, sometimes even earlier.]**

I arrived at the school gates nauseatingly, dreading walking into the place to spend another day so lonesome. **[You...do realize that you have one friend, right? This isn't middle school.]** But even I wasn't to know what surprises awaited me there...


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I sat in my seat delicately, **[What is this? Downton Abbey?]** Storm looked at me superciliously and excited. **[Haughty and excited? I'm sorry, but what?]** Storm got her name **[Oh boy, here we go.]** because she was concieved in the blossoming bellows of a great thunderstorm. **[Pfft...What?]** Her parents were almightily cool and she was lucky because she only lived 5 minutes away from the school. We were friends because we were both dark and variant from the rest of the people in the school, we were extremely discrepant **[Helena, put down the thesaurus, the poor thing has been tortured enough.]** from the rest of the people in the school. We also both cut ourselves and were bi but we didn't like each other in THAT way.

**[Serious talk guys: These fanfictions romanticize **_**real **_**issues that **_**happen**_**. I myself have done this - self harm. I say this to you all now, if you are having problems - **_**seek help.**_** You are not alone. You are never alone. I hate it when fanfictions, no matter how old, make light of this situation. **_**That is NOT okay.**_** There are real people that struggle with this, **_**I**_** struggled with this. It is a serious situation that still goes on today.]**

On the spur of the moment a tall spectral boy walked into class. **[Spectral? As in ghostly? What?]** He was unlike any boy I had ever seen before. His eyes were the polychromasia of amber honey **[That's incorrect. Polychromasia is a disorder where there's an abnormally high number of red blood cells prematurely released from the bone marrow during formation.] **his face was as pale as a corpse that had been preserved and left for a long time. **[Let's hope he doesn't smell like it. Formaldehyde is a **_**nasty**_** rank. *gags*]** His hair appeared undead and life-like. **[One bright day in the middle of the night...]** He was wearing dark eyeliner around his eyes which enhanced their beauty even more. His mouth was a straight line **[Is he a stick figure?]** as though it had been drawn on with a sharpie. His pallid lips were as pale as the midnight snow on a dark hilltop. **[*snore*]** His eyebrows were perfectly aligned like the golden wings of a golden eagle. **[I don't even know what the fuck I'm typing anymore.]** He was as beautiful as a thorny black midnight sorrowful rose. **[*claws at face* Aaauuuggghhh.]**

I was shocked and jubilant when he decided to sit in the empty seat next to me that I had never noticed before. **[Are you blind?]** I felt a blitz of adrenaline shoot through my fragile body **[I think you mean estrogen.]** as I felt Edward's icy hyperborean breath fall gently onto my skin. **[Whoa, personal space. Ever hear of it?]** I looked straight ahead at the dazzling alabaster whiteboard **[I'm pretty sure whiteboards aren't made of gypsum and calcite (they're made of Melamine).]** in order to hide my permeable feelings. **[STOP RAPING THAT POOR THESAURUS!]**

I was snapped out of my phantasm when Mr. Churchward the history teacher talked.

"Now everyone, we have a new boy in class today. His name is Edward Cullen." My Churchward reminisced. "Now I hope you are all moderately pleasant to him." **[I'm too busy singing along to my Les Misérables soundtrack to care.]**

"Hi" Edward greeted to me.

"Hi" I announced scaredly. Storm tried to catch my eye from across the classroom because I was talking to the new boy. I could hardly speak as I was blown away by his mysterious beauty. He was more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, it was mildly terrifying. **[I've never felt sleepy while commentating.]** He was whiter than the alabaster moon, **[Aaaauuuugggghhhh. MAKE IT STOP!]** darker than the dark side of the moon, more beautiful than moonlight falling on a thorny meadow. **[That must be painful...to look at.]** He seemed to exert an exceptional power, something supernatural. I could tell because I am a very spiritual person and I often pick up on things no one else notices. **[Mmm...fishy fish...I'm eating dinner again.]** His arrival seemed to have cause a disruptance in the class, people were whispering and pointing. I heard one of the populars, Cindy, was observing him. **[You idiot. You can hear observation.]** I stuck my middle finger at them coolilessly. **[That isn't a word.]**

"Do you hate them." Edward asked me abruptly. **[Gee, I don't know.]**

"Oh what, the populars?" I questioned, abslutely **[I see what you did there.]** thrilled indeed that he was talking to me. "Yes. They hate me, **[That wasn't the question.]** only because I'm different. I mean, it's nothing to do with those preps if I want to dye my hair black or cut myself or not have any friends or be a loner." **[What is this? Middle school?]**

"Yes." He said. "People that are different have always been presecuted so. It's so incest." **[Not so much now. We've learned to look past all that.]** he said.

"Yeah!" I screamed. **[Now who's disrupting the class?]** "People never know about us yet they assuminate that it's ok to persecute us just 'cos we're wonderfully loners with no friends and 'cos we're different!" I mentioned passionately. **[That made absolutely no sense.]**

"There's another thing" Edward said knowingly so.

"What" I said strangely.

"I think they're jealous." He cried slowly. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen." he said lovingly. **[Oh motherfuck.]**

"OMG!" I teleported rapturelessly. **[Lolwut?]** "You are the most beautiful person I happen to have chanced across also!" said I meticulously.

Then the bell rang for the end of the day. **[Thank you.]**


	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Rambling: **OH SHIT - It's at the beginning. I would just like the express my gratitude to **Godisgood3** who told me how to get around the no copy-paste dilemma. I owe you some Internet chocolate chip cookies.

Thanks to them, these chapters will be up much, much quicker.

**Carry on Minions.**

-Chapter 3-

Authors Note: I would be happy if people could review my story and say how to improve it thx! **[I have a suggestion: cast it into the fires of Mount Doom. Oh wait, that's Sauron's wedding ring.]**

At the present being I was sentimenting vastly thrilled that the beautiful Edward Cullen had chosen to sit next to me. We meandered to the next class together, hardly looking at where were going as we were so utterly engrossed in each others speech..**[I'm so glad I already took a two hour nap and started to play Three Days Grace.]**

We arrived at the science class.

We sat down next to each other. **[But of course.]**

"So Edward, whereabouts in these parts has you have you moved in?" I questioned him solemnly.

"Oh, I live ages away, near the forest" **[How convenient.][Alt. Have you met my good friend Slenderman yet?]** he emphasized.

"OMG me too!" said I. "That's sooo weird I never knew anyone else lived out there!"

"Do you like MCR"? Edwards perturbed me.

"OH. MY. GOD." I asked nautically. **[Nautically? As in you spoke like a seaman? Lolwut?]** "They are my FAVOURITE band EVER! I know the stupid preps and my dad (he's a prep too by the way) would want me to listen to Henna Montana and HSM but I don't like to conform to the ideals of society!" **[Most people don't like Miley Cyrus or High School Musical, even these so called 'preps.']** I disgustedly swallowed.

"O rly?" **[Ya rly.]** the beautiful Edward Cullen excavated. "Well, I was wondering, would you perchance want to consider arriving at my abode after school today? **[Oh for fuck's sake, **_**no one talks like that anymore.**_**]** We could listen to some MCR and maybe some Evenesence if you would feel pleasantly about that?" Edward spat politely. **[The man is the gallery's sure to spit...]**

"I love Evenesence! My Immortal and Wake me up Inside are of course among my top ten song choices!" **[They're also the most popular on iTunes. :D]** I happily exulted.

"Excellent!" Edward gusted.

"But one problem" said I. "How will we appear there? My stupid preppy father forces me to let him drive me 3 hours to and from school every single day!" I creameried. **[I looked at that word, thought it said Chimera, and now I want a Chimera.]**

"Oh don't worry" said Edward magnificently. I know how to arrive on due course homeward." said Edward sexily. **[*face palm* Not again.]**

Nothing much happened for the rest of that school day, **[What about education? That sounds like something that would happen in a school.]** the presence of the Edward Cullen made things so much more bearable though. Just looking at him was enough to make my insides melt crustily. **[*gag* You have rusty insides? You really need to go see a doctor about that.]** I knew I was falling in love with him and it was extravagant.

Then at the end of the day we walked out of the school gates fulfilled. Suddenly, Bella Swan (who was an ugly popular preppy girl) appeared in front of me.

"Where ya going Bitch?" Bella sniffed.

"I'm leaving to return home with Edward Cullen" I asked fruitily.

"So, YOUR **[*glares* Goddamn word crimes.]** Edward Cullen are ya? The new kid eh?" The Prep exclaimed stupidly.

"Yes, does that bother you?" said Edward Cullen wonderfully.

"Well, maybe I shouldn't LET you home" **[That can be considered kidnapping or a hostage situation.]** said Bella preppily. She stood in the way with her bitchy popular preppy conformist friends and wouldn't let her get past.

"Let us through here Bella" I growled scarily.

"You shall not pass!" **[Why must you destroy this beloved meme?]** the Bitch laughed pathetically.

Then suddenly…Edward shot lasers out of his eyes and Bella Swan's face was scalded! **[*stare* What in the flying fuck just happened?]**

"OW MEIN EYES!" **[Because Bella is suddenly German.]** She screamed excitedly. **[I don't think getting your face melted by eye-lasers is something to be excited about.]** I laughed forgetfully and Edward Cullen quickly led me away.

"How did you do that?" I excavated.

"There's something I need to tell you Helena. I am a vampire." **[Geez, at least make her work for it, dang. Also, YOU JUST DID THAT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL!]**

"OMG!" I said excretedly. "Is that why you are so beautiful?" said I.

"Oh, I can do much more than that" He said suggestively. Then he grabbed my arm and we started flying! **[Well, looks like it's Mary Sue season. I'll be right back. *grabs crossbow*]**

"OMG wow!" I screamed, thinking what the preps would be like if they could see me now. "This is just like magic!" **[Calm down Gilderoy.]** said I.


	5. Chapter 4

-Chapter 4-

Authors Note: Thanks so much to my best friend Darkness (or xeddward4evax lol) for co writing this chapter! MCR forever girl! :D **[I think they might be the same person. I'll look into it.]**

WARNING This chapter contains a sex scene! **[You know, people that put warnings like this up peeve me a little - if you're concerned, say that there's explicit scenes/words in the summary and be done with it. I do it all the time. People that read fanfiction are mature enough that they know what to expect.]**

The flying was externally ecstatic. I adorned every minute. **[How do you adorn time unto yourself?]** When we touched down in the middle of the forest I gasped. Eddward put his arm around me, then he strolled lambently to his house. I came. **[Ew.]**

His house was amazing! It was like a cross between an old gothic castle and a real cool modern home with like huge windows that took up a whole wall! **[That's a lot of glass...excuse me while I go find some Earthbenders.]** I looked inside and the walls were painted black with red bits in and they had huge sofas and bean bags! **[I know nothing about interior design, but that clashes horrendously.]** Inside, two male vampires were making out naked. They were almost as hot as Eddward.

I blushed. Edward laughed at me robustly.

"This is the vampire way of things Helena! That's just Jasper and Alice." he explained funnily.

"Alice?" I portioned.

"He used to be a girl, but he had a sex change." **[Ummm...why?]** Edward said.

"Oh cool!" I loved.

Edward took me inside of his house and upstairs. I said hi to Jasper and Alice on the way. They were so hot (they were still naked), almost as beautiful as Edward. Edward told me that all vampires are bi, **[Since when?]** which is cool because I'm bi too. **[How convenient...How many times am I going to say 'how convenient' in this commentary?]** We went upstairs into his room. I gasped.

Edwards room was black as a stormy night. He had one of his walls painted red, **[Paradox. Red is not black...**_***Red, the blood of angry men. Black, the dark of ages past.***_**]** like the blood of an alabaster kitten. **[...That deserves only silence.]** He had MCR posters everywhere, there was even one of Gerard Way naked! **[Do not want.] **He was so hot but not as hot as Edward. He also had posters of Bill Kraulitz, **[Who is that again? Oh yeah, Tokio Hotel...How do I still know that?]** who was also really hot. I almost feinted from the amount of hot guys in the current location and time.

"Hey Helen, do you want to watch the Exercist or the Grudge 2?" Edward contented lovingly.

"OMG they're both shun good films!" said I.

"Ok lets watch both." Edward filmed laughably.

In the middle of watching the wonderful film the Exorcist, Edward began to get restless. He pierced at me in a way I hadn't seen him look at me before.

"Helena" he whispered loudly. "I love you." he whispered loudly. **[Redundant. Say it with me now. RE-DUN-DANT!]**

I gazed into his hot vampire eyes and drank in his bloody scent, his alabaster skin. **[Let's go on an acid trip! Wheeee~ *arm flail*]**

"I love you to" **[*glare* WORD. CRIME.]** said I. Then he leaned towards me and we started to make out. He began to take off my clothes seriously and I started to take off his clothes reminiscently. **[What?]** We were both naked. Eddward Cullen had a really big you know what and a sex pack. **[Tara! How lovely to see you again. Come, come! Have you met my good friend Freddy? He's a dream demon. I'm sure you two will get along just fine. All you need to do is go to sleep on this bed of nails here, and I've got just the person to help you do that; his name's Jeff. I'll let you two get acquainted.]** Then we made out more and had sex on the sofa. Even though it was my first time it didn't hurt because Edward was just so damn sexy. Then suddenly….My dad walked in! **[Tara! How are you, Jeff, and Freddy getting along? Oh...oh dear.]**


	6. Chapter 5 - What the hell is going on?

-Chapter 5-

Noooote: Thanks 2 my bezzie friend eddward4eva again especially for the comedy jokes it rocks yes? **[No.]**

"Helena! What are you doing!" my ugly preppy father secreted anxiously.

"OMG dad no go away!" I squirmed.

"I am very disjointed **[Lolwut?]** in you Helena!" He yelled at me for no raison. **[Reason? Raisin? Raiden? (Raiden: "Please do not bring me into this.") Sorry Raiden.]**

"How did you even get here!" **[He Apparated.]** said I as me and Edward pulled apart.

"You weren't there after school!" **[Yep. Definitely Apparated.]** He reminisced. "Now come home you stupid slut!" said he.

Edward looked scared and I don't know why. My preppy dad pulled me out of the cool house by my pale alabaster ear carefully. Alice and Jasper said bi and my father spat on their hawt naked bods disgustingedly even though they had total beautiful six packs and angelically rapture less facial features. **[...Excuse me while these nice young men in their clean white coats take me away for a while.]**

"Get in the forking (see forks? Where twilight it set aha) **[*face palm* Get out.]** damn car you filthy poser!" He screamed at me as his eyes went a funny colour. But we didn't go home we went to like this place in the woods but not in the woods we were already in and not in the woods where our house was it was like this totally different place. My dad looked different somehow his ugly preppy brown eyes flamed into my mind. **[What...the actual fuck?]**

"Helene I know I am you father but I am very attracted to you and want to like totally do it with you." he leaned nautically. I gasped. **[I think this fanfiction just turned into a joke.]**

"YOU PEDO INCEST MAN!" I ticked happily nastily and ran away but my dad ran after me. Then suddenly…..

Edward appeared in the sky! He was all shiny and sparkly and soooo hot and his eyes were red.

"THE PRECIOUS IS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!11111111111111" **[Yep. Just became a joke. Oh well. Now I'll judge the comedy.]** He began shooting more lasers out of his eyes and my prepdad (play on words on step dad see haha) **[Get the fuck out.]** exploded in a super massive exploded time. **[Finn the Human, when did you get here?]**

"Cheers Eddward Cullen" I applauded nicely.

"No problem my darling wife" he answered wildly (authors note yeah I forgot to say they got married before they DID IT because I'm not a slut she's a morman sooo yeaaaaah) **[What, what, and what?]** Edward's eyes had gone back to normal now by the way. "anyway Helene now we are like totally married and this and all that I want you to be a vampire with me" he gasped sexily.

"OMG YES!" I whispered shoutingly. "I wanna be a vampire that's so awesome and emo!" said I.

"Ok but first we need you to be like ready for the ceremony and stuff" Edward .

"awesome what's the ceremony" came my haughty reply.

"it turns you into a vampire!" **[Of course it does.]** Edward gasped achingly.

"OMG YES!" I whispered shoutingly. "I wanna be a vampire that's so awesome and emo!" said I.

So me Edward Alice Jasper flew through the piercingly icy cold blue cold air which was piercing. To get to the special place where they make cool emos and Goths into vampires. I was wearing nothing but a Fall Out Boy nightgown because I don't conform to the ideals of society. We arrived at the place. It was a giant mountain with skulls on it, so it was obviously made by emos which put my mind at ease not that it needed to be because I trusted my beloved Edward with my life he's so hot mmmm eddward u is hot u is hot eddward yeah mm u sxc thig. There was a stone altar there that looked a bit like that place from Hailfire peaks on banjo kazoo. **[Hey, you guys hear that? That's the sound of your brain cells dying. I suggest you all run far, far away from here.]**

"It's time It's time!" Alice giggled seriously in his sexy manly voice. Edward knocked on this big gong thing. The sound reverberated around like the songbird heralding the dawn. I got an itch on my arm. Suddenly an Uruk Hi appeared! It was….LURTZ! **[ALL BOW TO THE ALMIGHTY LURTZ...wait, what?]**

"You come here today, Helena, son of Gonthidun, **[Who?]** for what porpoise?" **[*snicker* Word crime.]**

"I want I want to become a vampire!"


	7. Chapter 6 - Seriously, am I tripping?

Chapter 6-

"A vampire you say" Says Lurtz. "That's certainly a rather preposterous property." says Lurtz. **[Lolwut?]**

"PLEASE!" came by empathic scream! "YOUU! I WANNA BE LIKE YOU!" POinting at Edward.

"Your family history is not great. You father was he not a…"

"go on. Say it." I mumbled happiness.

"PREP" came his foul reply on the winds to my delicate ears.

" well actually he was yeah" I said in a cool voice because I'm so emo. **[No you ain't.]**

"We have evidence of him being a prep!" Lurtz ambled sexily. "He likes Paris Hilton and he used to be a cheerleader!"** [I know a guy that was a cheerleader. He's pretty cool and is my neighbor.] **He shouted nastily, like the sun on a cold night. "We cannot let you join the ranks of hot emo vampires (not that you are not already hot/emo but you're not a vampire yet) because there is preps in you are family! Speaking of preps, I killed and ate Bella Swen!"** [And thus the poison of Kristen Stewart's bad acting is coursing through your veins. I'm sorry Lurtz but you only have ten minutes to live.]**

Everyone celebrated but then Edward looked so sad and depressed because I couldn't be vampire.

"What can I do to become even more sexah vampire?" I quadrupled.

"There is a way" Lurtz replied with the manner of a man addressing another man or woman. "But it will be dangerous and may consume your breaded life." He giggled. **[An Uruk...giggling...NOPE NOPE-ITY NOPE NOPE NO! *jumps into the abyss*]**

"I will do whatever I can do to stay with my beloved husband Edward Cullen" I breathed breathlessly.

"You will have to go back in time to prevent your father becoming a prep!" **[This is a rerun of My Immortal, I'm certain of it now.] **LURTZ SCREAMED.

"Omg how?" I bowed. Eddward knew a way.

"I know how Helena my beloveloved." He screamed delicately like a rose petal flower opening on a breezy day in the world. He got a mobile phone and started phoning someone. Then suddenly…

The TARDIS appeared! David Tennant walked out of it. **[Is this author deliberately trying to piss off everyone from every fandom?]**

"Hello I'm the doctor!" he asked.

"Hi doctor nice to see you again" Edward silenced.

"What's going on?" I mucused.

"I'm a time lord and I can like travel all around space an through time and shit" he replied kindly.

Then we got in the tardiest and went back in time to…THE 1960S! **[This commentary is becoming a paradox. A parody within a parody within a parody...yes, I consider initial bad fanfictions a parody.]**


	8. Chapter 7 - I'm so confused

-Chapter 7-

We touchdowned **[He could go all the way!]** in the 19060s **[Whoa...do we have hover cars?]** OMG. This was the year when my dad was born. We went to the hospitality where he born was. Everyone was wearing Beetle hair and extravagantly realised shoewear. **[Lolwut?...Take a drink every time I say 'lolwut.']**

I saw my baby father. He looked preppy, like the songbird heralding the dawn. His eyes were preppier than the polycrasmia of Brittany Spera. **[Lolwut?...Take a drink.]**

Suddently I felt soooooo angry I killed my father. **[This **_**should**_** be where Our Sue ceases to exist, but since we've got twenty four more chapters of this...]**

"NOOOOOOOOOO" the doctor screamed nonchalantly. "IT'S GONNA KILL YOU RUUUUUN!" he screamed wonderfully. The nurse looked angry at me, angry as a man or a woman whose baby had been murdered. **[...Huh?]**

"You ignoramic tripe!" **[Fun fact #1: Tripe is the first and second division of the stomach of an ox, goat, or sheep. It's used as a food.]** she screamed. "I'm gonna cut you up, haha!" came the Nurse's agonised scream.

All of the doctors and nurses started rushing chasing sardonicing us. The Doctor grabbed my hand and flew away. He shot lasers at them through his eyes (he's a vampire). **[I have not watched a single episode of Doctor Who but I'm about to go on a rage here. *ahem* **_**THE DOCTOR IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE A VAMPIRE. HE IS A TIME LORD.**_** There you go Doctor Who fans, I expressed your frustration for you. :D]**

"Well at least my dad is dead" I shooted, like the geese of a pond. **[Lolwut?]**

"Yes that is indeed good you shall be vampire now mm yes?!" **[Grumpy cat says no. Therefore, the answer is no.]** chivvied David Tennant. "But now we have to go to the FUTURE to meet my friend! Would you like to come with me beautiful Helena?"

"Yes I would much prefer be grateful for that haha" I asked prettily. "I'm actually a time traveler myself I can pretty much do everything, I've been to the future before and all I'm prepared like the garden lying in the sunlight" **[So much derpity derp.]**

The doctor ten took me to the future in his TURDIS. We departed in the future seductively. I looked hot. **[*polishes crossbow* All in good time, Elizabeth. All in good time.]**

"Ah here are my good friend meet him now Helena!" He yelled furiously. "Ratchetandclank" **[Who now?]** he replied.

Wow I said, ecstatic with myself that I have been able to meet Ratchetandclank. He was very hot even though he was a Lombax. **[What now?]** I felt like becoming a furry until I realised that that is against the moomin **[Moomins...really?]** faith and I am married to the wonderful pleasurably magnificent Edward of Cullen.

Then someone else materialised. It was Bill Krowlitz.

"omg!" I said graciously. "It's Bill Krowlitz!" said I.

Bill Krowlitz is really really hot. **[I would argue, but I really am in no place to do that since my romance experience is bar none.]**


	9. Chapter 8 - I'm coming Elizabeth

Chapter 8-

"OMFG Bill Krowlitz you is da fukking sexbomb!" I organed fantastically. Suddenly I got an itch on my nose, but I didn't scratch it because I don't conform to the ideals of society. **[This is purposely bad now. I just know it.]** Bill Krowlitz started flying around in the sky because he vampire, like the songbird heralding the dawn. **[Take a drink every time you read that phrase.]** He told me I looked hot (duhh) but I told him I was in a commited relationship. Then suddenly…he got shot out of the sky! **[Uh, yeah. That was me. I didn't want poor Bill to experience any more torture.]**

"NOOOO HE WAS MY BROTHER!" **[Lolwut?]** screamed Doctor ecstatically. I paused. I stopped. I looked around to see who had shot him. Then suddenly…it was Master Chief! **[I would protest, and say it was me again - but it does sound like something Master Chief would do. You can have this one, Chief.]**

"HAHAHA" Master chief . "ME AND THE METROIDS SHALL BE TAKING OVER THE FUTURE THERE IS NO MORE HOPE!" **[In all seriousness though. Why Halo of all things?]** He yelled sexily, like the forest in a silent grove, watching, ever waiting. I thought me and the Doctor were done for but then suddenly…Samus Aran **[Not Samus!]** appeared and began shooting the Master Chiefs and the Metroids!

"Run!" Samus screamed dirtily so. "Master chief and the metroids are taking over the future there is no more hope!" **[Didn't Master Chief **_**just**_** say that, you know, not two minutes ago?]** came Samus' terrified screams.

Me and doctor ran back to the terdis nonchalantly but it was now….destroyed! It was being eaten by a semi translucent permeable metroid like a jellyfish sucking the barbaric life of a magnifent whale. **[How high do you have to be to write like this without hurting yourself mentally?]**

"OMFG NOOOOOOOOOO my tardis is gone!" the doctor oracled.

We surveyed the bloody crappy battlefield, it was dark and moonlight and moonlit, **[I'm not even going to say it, you all know by now.]** like the songbird heralding the dawn. **[Take a drink.]** Me and the doctor sat down to have some tea and biscuits. The biscuits were dry and stale. I thought of Edward. I cried.

"we are stuck here in the future! Unfortunately much for both of us yes, I cannot use my wonderfully extravaganzic superpowers to get us back to my own time! Hmm, yes!" I happily sobbed. The doctor died. **[Seriously, what the actual fuck is going on here?]** I was left alone in quite a predicament. Those gosh darn head crab zombies **[Aww, those things are cute...I see you all staring.]** tried to beautifully much steal my food but we um prevailed, MMM!

Suddenly…a girl jumped down in front of me.

"It is too much for you to be here Helena!" she screamed

"how do you know my name" came my snaky reply.

"I know many things. Ayla fight for you, Ayla not run. Ayla like Fall out Boy Ayla hot cave girl." she exclaimed fruitily. **[God damn it. Why did it have to be **_**Clan of the Cave Bear.**_**]**

"Omg Fall Out Boy is one of my most desirable bands list!" I shocked nausily.

"AYLA ALSO LIKE MCR!" **[No. No you don't. You're delusional.]**


	10. Chapter 9 - One More Reason To Hate This

Helen Middletonhoneychurch Mr Jackson

Discuss the multiple personalities of Tom Bombadil from J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings.

When we first read the sonnet we expect him to be happy, using such words as "merry", and "jolly", and "bom[b]". But we then see that Tom gives himself several different identities. In fact, as we read on, we discover that he actually rechristens himself as "Tom Bom", "Jolly Tom" and "Tom Bombadillo". If we delve deeper into each of these identities, we see that infact, the first name uses the word "bom", the olde english spelling of "bomb", portraying a lust for terror and mass of destructions. We then note that the last name adds an "o", hence, "Tom Bombadillo". This shows that he wants to be Mexican but couldn't get a Visa to cross the border. This in turn indicates the possibility that he has a criminal record. Which then brings us to "jolly tom". This of course refers to the frequent comparision of a physco clown. In conclusion, Tom Bombadil ily's the Four Horsemen. **[I...what...huh...Okay, this is just plain stupid.]**

Chapter 9

Aufors note – chapter may look different it will because this is happening during English literacy class time yes? Sorry about English essay I have to hide chapter from teacher ok? **[Why not actually try to learn something while in school instead of working on this total atrocity of a crack fiction? What a fucking concept.]**

Suddenly Ayla I went to the shop to get some more supplies. Metroids had taken over the beautiful splenderous shop, leaving nothing behind but death, chaos, destruction, rabies, aids, killers, death, plants and dolls. Suddenly…Edward culena appeared!

"Edward Edward my love my beautiful songbird heralding the dawn" **[Take a drink.]** I hacked discolouredly!  
>"I am not Ed- oh actually I am yes I am!" came the Doctor's beautiful rap. His golden eagle eyebrows eagle winked at me suspiciously superfluously magnificent.<br>"what a beautiful Edward you are, you are, you are, what a beautiful Edward you are!" I screamed sexily. **[*face palm* I don't know how much sanity I have left. This is worse than Amnesia: The Dark Descent.]**

The next day me and Edward went

Suddenly, just as Edward and I were making out, I realised he was the doctor but he had regenerated OMG!  
>"YOU FOOL you betrayed me IMMA KILL YOU AAARGHHH!" <strong>[<strong>_***Ninety nine reasons on my list why you should not exist...***_**(1)]** I happily exclaimed. Then Ratchetandclank came through a whole in spacetime (note -we were back in the past btw) and killed the doctor (properly this time). **[Wouldn't he just regenerate again? Doctor Who fans help me out on this one.]**

"RUN HELENA! YOU ARE HOT!" he screamed, abusively beautifully.

Suddenly, a giant portal appeared in the sky and me and my BFF for eva Storm got sucked into it. Suddenly…we were in MIDGAR! **[Where now?]**

"omg we are like soooo totally in midgar!" I startled belligerently. Cloud strife walked in. **[Oh I get it now...RUN CLOUD! RUN!]** He was soooooooooooooo hot I mean seriously. His hair was as spiky as sonic the hedgehog and knuckles the echidna combined! His mouth was black as the old tv set. **[Lolwut?]** His ear was as soft as a dead baby. **[That's fucked up.]** His hair was as blonde as a sahara. His hair was turtles, it was geese, it was pomegrantes, it was all the good things in the world. **[What the hell?]** His hair was spiky an sharp, like the edge of a razorblade. **[STOP. FUCKING. TALKING. ABOUT. CLOUD'S. HAIR.]** His hair **[MOTHERFUCK THE WORLD! (2)]** was a starship, it was a chair, it was a circle, it was many triangles, his hair was a walnut, it was a horse, it was a duvet, it was a burnt sausage on a barbeque of hotness, it was chilli sauce, it was mayonnaise, it was orangensaft, it was frankfurters, it was Chihuahuas, it was iguanas, it was dinosaurs. **[Finally.]** His hands were soft like a soft towel, **[Fucking-A.]** they were beautiful as a beautiful myself. His feet were love, they were Kurt Cobain, they were Gerard Way, they were emo, they were hot, they were PVA glue, his feet were bells, they were cheese plants, they were nuclear bombs. **[*rocks back and forth* Happy place. Happy place.]** His eyes were as sparkly as a vampire, and blue as blue piece of paper. They were blue like the sea. His eyes were round, they were squares, **[I've been **_**dying**_** to say this: The square block does not fit in the circle hole, dumbass.]** they were fine wine, they were fit, they were ducks, spices, potatoes. They were cooked 7 minutes on high. **[*jaw drop* WHAT?]** At a potato digging. His eyes were labradors, they were shihtzus, poodles Chihuahuas dalmations and great danes. His eyes were like musicians, they were mainstream, they were like parades and balloons. **[Yep, yep, and yep. She is doing this on purpose everyone. This is a troll fiction. Then again, no troll fiction is ever **_**this**_** bad. Is it?]** They were purged subtle and anonymous. His nose was pointy like a mountain, and a sharpie. His nose was a sharp pencil, of lead, it was hair, it was smooth skin, it was cartilage. It was a printer and a photocopier in one. His nose was hurt and knowing, broken and fixed at the same time like my heart. **[That is one **_**hell**_** of a mental image.]** His lips were as soft as the pallid rose, cring like my green tears of joy and great depression. His lips were rosy, they were white, they were polite, they were echoes, they were substitution, they were limited they were prayers they were ladies they were john barrowman. His lips were like a bike that had been hired, yet was still in good condition. **[What have you created Helena? The image I am seeing in my mind's eye is the stuff of nightmares.]** His lips were like a good TV signal. Good, but not great. His cheekbones were pointy like a mountain and a sharpie and a sharp pencil and like his hair. They were electric they were right and left, they were communists, **[Communists? Where's Josef Stalin?]** they were otherworldy. They were hard as bones, hard as a fish lost in the great seas of Aldi. His arms were strong like me but not really agh I dunno. **[I don't know either. Maybe you should put down the doobie and maybe think about what dribble you're writing here. Wait, actually this is more of a crack fiction. Change doobie to crack pipe.]** His hair was like sonic the hedgehog. His hair was like hair. **[No shit Sherlock.]**

Suddenly…Sephiroth appeared! **[A wild Sephiroth has appeared!]** Him and Cloud Strife started to make out. Then cloud stuck a sword through sephiroth.  
>"That's for Aerith bitch!" he crooned angrily. Storm kissed cloud strife because she loved him and he loved her as well. Suddenly…Sephiroth came back to life! He killed storm.<p>

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I whispered shockfully. Suddenly…Edward Cullen (the real one) took me back home. Then I was took to the chamber where Lurtz was to be made into vampire. **[I legitimately have a headache.]**

**Footnotes:**

**In this case, these footnotes are not items that belong to me, but little known things that I feel I should mention. Otherwise nobody's going to get the reference at all.**

(1): This is a line from a Gunfire 76 song "One More Reason To Hate You," I was listening to the song and thought the line was appropriate.

(2): That is actually a saying that one of my favorite singers came up with, and even made a song about it. The singer's name is Wednesday 13, and the song name is "M.F.T.W."


	11. Chapter 10 - Useless Filler of the Year

Chapter 10

"I am so glad I am back in Monroeville again" I squawked suicidally. I felt like slitting my wrists for a second, **[Fuck you; I'm not giving another PSA. People like you disgust me.]** then I realised I was in company. Edward looked hot.

Alice and Jasper were still nekked. They were looking extremely hot and sxc and I could tell they fancied me too although they knew I was a murmum and belonged to the Edward of Cullen because if I ever cheated on him he would kill me **[That is not a healthy relationship.]** which I why I would never tell him about the Doctor trying to rape me.

"it's time it's time!" cried Lurtz exultantly. "Helena you killed your father I the past world 1960s therefore you can become vampire now you would like that yes?" he screamed politely. I lay on the stone table like Aslan did in Lord of the Rings. **[Oh, you fucker. Wait, wait. She's doing this on purpose. Calm down.]**

"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me, me, me" **[Are these lyrics or something like that?]**

"yay" I celebrated. "I am now even more so hot than I was before yay! Who knows what more adventures await me now!" I decided.

I got up.

I walked near the exit of the cave.

I waited for Edward.

We both walked out of the cave.

We started flying around.

TO BE CONTINUED **[Oh please no.]**


	12. Chapter 11 - My sanity is slipping

-Chapter 11-

The dewy tears of a new life ejaculated from my eye ball sockets. **[What the...?]** As wet and shiny as tears.

"Helena!" Edward Cullen dug violently and beautifully love. "Let us fly away together, fly away like a beautiful bluebottle!" he sung awesomely. I felt happy because I was flying but I felt sad because of all the people that had died - the Doctor, Ayla, Sephiroth, Storm. (I didn't feel sorry for my dad or Bella because they are preps) **[Whoa-kay then.]** Oh well I thought it's not like I can't communicate with the dead is it? (I have a gift.) **[...*face palm*]**

Jasper and Alice flew towards me.

They were still naked. **[Because it's always worth noting. Oh wait, no it isn't.]**

* (I'm putting these things in now) **[Also not worth noting.]**

"Helena we need your help! Master Chief came through a time whole from the future and is killing things!" they squelched excitedly. **[Who's 'they?']** "Only you are wise and powerful an pretty enough to stop that bitch" **[Of course she is.]** they asked with an air of onomatopoasiaosucoa. **[I am pretty damn sure that isn't a word. What the fuck is that?]** "go and see the great wise Mother Teresa. She will know what to do HelenaBeautiful!" they chorused sexily. **[Ugh.]**

"C'mon Storm!" **[Wait, I thought she died.]** I cried gaudily. "Let us go find Mrs So called mother Teresa." I slapped hotly. Me and Storm flew (she's a vampire too btw forgot to tell you) **[You said she died. She's supposed to be - oh fuck it.]** the ghetto where Mother Teresa's hideout was mmmmmm yes.

"Git in bitches I ain't got all day!" he wheezed. **[Wait, what?]** There were loads of stolen goods in the hideout. Mother Teresa of Calcutta was one of the most powerful gangstas in the world. **[...I'm an Atheist and I find that absolutely horrible. *aside* General, prepare the Skeleton Army, I fear we might have to declare war.]** So I asked him why he had been working undercover.

"Why are you been working undercover a holy one?" **[Redundancy is - screw it. *flips table*]** I questioned dearly.

"Yeh, well business is shit innit? Narr bruv, what wid the whole recession and credit crunch an all, also the fuzz have caught on and they'll dosh me up propa, hear what I is saying boi? 'Ell, the other day I got caught wid me blud wiv eat in me gaff!" **[I have no idea what that says. And I am not going to waste my time trying to translate it.]** he loved.

"How do we defeat Master chief then? Said storm cooly. **[I'm just going to disregard the whole thing the author said about Storm being a vampire and somehow magically being alive and just go with the fact that she is now a cognizant zombie.]**

"Awight keep yer tits on blud" he kept meticulously. "Wot you av to do is dis - go back in time to when dat little greebo was born, and pop a cap in dat motherlicka's ass! Braaaaaaaap!" **[Why does this seem racist?]** Mother Teresa crooned terrifyingly.

"But I cannot go back to the past again because my powers are failing to correspond!" said I. **[Good. Stay there and die.]**

"S'alright blud, take a looka this." he quieted. "MOR DDEDWYDD YW Y RHAI TRWY FFYDD S'YN MYND O BLITH Y BYW!" **[...I think the author just had a seizure.]** he chanted fatly lightning.

I could understand what he said because I am fluent in Japanese. **[Bro, that wasn't Japanese. I don't even know Japanese and I know that.]** Suddenly, a giant portal opened in the ceiling and out of it dropped….the Ocarina of Time! **[Fuuuuuuuu-]**


	13. Chapter 12 - What is it now?

Chapter 12

A note from Helena – Ok I have a confession to make. **[I'm not the High Priest or Priestess here, but go on.]** This story was not written by me, HelenaBeautiful. **[Oh really now?]** It was written by Darkness (eddward4eva, you may know her from youtube) **[Ummm...no I don't actually.]** and I merely spellchecked it. Due to recent circumstances I am no longer spellchecking and covering up for my (ex) friend. **[Well that's one good thing coming from this.]** Sorry for any confusion this might have caused, enjoy the rest of the "story" which will be spellchecked by some other saddo. **[I'm kind of wondering if it's going to be the same dribble that nearly destroyed my brain...it most likely will be.]**


	14. Chapter 13 - I'm drooling, help me

Chapter 13

AN – ok from now on since Helena that bitch obviously hats me, I'm writing this with Judy and the Microsoft paperclip that helps me spellcheck fanks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx peace emo4lyf also the main charecters name has now changed to Darkness **[I knew it, it is the same dribble. Hold on to your hats everyone, even if you're not wearing one.]**

Darkness and Storm blew a song (vampires will nvr hurt u by mcr) into the Ocarina of Time. **[That's going to sound awful.]** It was a portkey! **[Of course.]** They flew to the planet Halo. It was…..back in time! OMG! **[Motherfuck.]**

The baby master chief was being born. The mum died because the armour was adult sized master chief. **[...I'll be right back, I need to go to my nearest store that sells drug tests. I just want to make sure that **_**I'm**_** not the one tripping out here.]**  
>"oh no!" storm yelled spookerly. "we cannot kill him he has armour invincible on!" she crapped. <strong>[Gross.]<strong>  
>"no problem!" I screamed nicely. "I am now vampire I have vampire laser eyes!' I shooted lasers at master chief seductively. "if only the Eddward of Cullen could see me now because he would be wonderfully lovely proud bemused love.<strong> [No, no he wouldn't.]<strong> Suddenly….3 men drove by on a digger truck! One looked at me hotly but he was ugly so there was noooo way. :( **[The power of 'ugly,' be proud soldier - you have overcome the powers of the Sue.]**

Master chief died and went to hell even though he was a baby he was an evil baby with red eye. **[That can be corrected in Photoshop you know.]** His armour fell on the floor sweeperly. Storm put it on, like a striptease but the other way around.  
>"Look at me!" storm said as she wore the costume stunningly. "Look at me dance! Look at me dance!" said she. Suddenly… she got transported to somewhere! <strong>[Hi, yeah, that was me again. Hopefully that portal didn't malfunction, but she should be in the Abyss of Fire now.]<strong>

OMFG1 I shouted screamed. Storm has been rectumed away what do I do! **[Wait for my Skeleton Army, they'll know what to do.]**

I blew the song of soaring into the Ocarina but I put a emo mcr style twist on it. I ended up in a weird place called Toyko. **[Tokyo's not weird.]** Everyone there had brown teeth. **[Why does this seem racist?]**

Inuyasha and Kagome came. **[Oh motherfuck.]** Inuyashsa was really hot even though he was a cross between and human and a possum. **[I'm even raging at that.]** Kagome was really annoying and selfish, but she still thought I was hot. Inuyasha killed her. **[Okay, I'll humor you, what was it for this time?]**  
>"That's for Aerith bitch!" <strong>[Wait...what?]<strong> he growled happily. "Now Darkness what would you want""I need to find my friend she's been Spirited Away!" **[Huh?]** I cried nackeredly.

"Well then" He snorted like the songbird heralding the dawn. **[Take a drink.]** "you need to meet my friends Sora and Roxas **[WHAT.]** they will know what to do!" he dried excretedly. **[Holy Christ on fire.]**


	15. Chapter 14 - I declare war

Chapter 14

We met Sora and Roxas who were really really hot. **[I'm really wondering if I just change this commentary to a crossover.]**

They looked at me because they fancied me. Then they started to make out. They were quite hot. However, homoness is against the murmum law and so god smote them. **[And I thought Flying Spaghetti God was weird...and yes that is an actual thing.]** They looked burnt, like the crisp at the bottom of the pack that no one eats.

Inuyershun had sex with them as well and got smote as well. **[I'm so lost.]** Then I went to find Storm. I flew around using my amazing x ray vision to find Storm. I was beautifully craptulay excited. Suddenly….Gandhi appeared! **[Oh hell no, you stay away from history. I've tolerated your fuckery thus far, but you stay the fuck away from historical figures.]**

"I am Gandhi" Gandhi moaned. He was wearing black eyeliner, black lips, and had a lot of cuts on his wrists. He didn't have much hair except for two strands like home simppo that were died black and gelled in front of his face. "I am storm's spirit guide". He fudged esoterically. "I can help you find Storm" he immortalized depressingly. **[THAT'S IT! Skeleton Army, we have a menace on our borders. Your job is to eliminate them from the Earth. They threaten our very existence, the **_**world's**_** existence. Your duty is to protect this great Realm, aid our allies, and rid the world of filth such as this. Be forewarned, some of you may not return, but you shall be heralded as great heroes! TO WAR!] **

"I looooove your studded belt were did you get it?" I questioned hygienically.  
>"Blue bananana" <strong>[I was going to say Banana Republic, but oh well.]<strong> he grumbled sexily. We flew around the world to find Storm. "oh wiat a minute she's nut here she's on another planet I forgot sorry" he deuced irrespectively. Me and storm went to find storm. **[What?]** We flew to a faraway planet. It took a long time, something in the retrospect of around 4 wonderful years. **[Yes, take your time Sue. You are giving my army plentiful time to prepare.]**

On this planet there were giant things everywhere. Big parrots, I mean wow srsly. **[Oh sorry, that's my little bird Conn, he somehow got out of his cage and stole the shrink ray our scientists have been working on.]** Some guy called Wander and his horse Agro helped me find Storm. **[I liked Shadow of the Colossus, why must you ruin everything from my childhood.]** I found her and went home and Wander came with us but Agro died. (wander had a powerglove that can transport people anywhere because someone accidently broke the Ocarina I forgot to tell you so we couldn't use it) **[Lazy, lazy, and lazy.]**

"Hey Darkness and Stormy babes." He obfuscated cosmologically. "Do you want to come home and meet ma boyfriend, John Barrowman?" **[Huh?]** he analogized provokingly. "he is a tv presenter!" wander loved lovingly. Me and Storm flew with Wander (he's vampire so he can fly btw forgot to say) **[Derp, derp, and derp.]** to…Wander's house! **[Did he even have a house in the game? It's been a long time, guys.]**


	16. Chapter 15 - Return of the text blocks

Chapter 15

We entered the mesastatic house hold and smelt the unmounted air.  
>"It's very <strong>Extralinguistic in here isn't it Darkness?" said <strong>

Storm extrapully. I was really hot, like the songbird heralding the dawn. **[Take a drink.]** Suddenly…John Barrowman met us!

His hair was butch and ecstatic. **[Oh geez, not again.]** It was like an anecdote gone well. It was black. It was hairy and moist. His hair was studded, it was cream, it was darkest black, it was blackest black, it was hot, it was a caravan in the rain. His hair was like really really realy really really really rally really really **[She spelled 'really' wrong once in the long ass stupidity ridden sentence. A homemade Internet cookie goes to whoever can find it first.]** nice savageness. His hair was almost as hot as cloud strife's. His back was spiny and rippled, it was crying, it was flash, it was like a petri dish of coloured germs. **[Lolwut?]** His back was crippling to look at, his individual spines **[He had more than one spine? Ugh, that is the stuff of nightmares.]** stuck out like tiny caterpillars on those high seas of the shelves in ASDA. His nose was like an electric socket with water on it. His nose was a snowglobe with MCR inside. It was Christ it was a knife carving chicken, it was a beautiful fragment of magnet. His penis was like a chav on a council estate. It was like a woodpecker on a sandwich of justice. His eyes were sparking like a vampire or lemonade or limeade or appleade or sparkling water. **[My IQ's dropping.]** His eyes were grace, they were slender, his middle was like a washing machine water bath. His mouth was a bird bath. His whole face was rippled like a galaxy ripple. His skin was the texture of a crunchy. His lips were like a broken Hershey bar, his lips were oranges, they were geese, they were the fragrance of a smelly cheese. **[Yuck.]** His lips were like lemonade or limeade or appleade or sparkling water. Maybe coca cola, maybe. Depends how I feel at the time. His eyes were sharp. His claws were gravel, they were razors, they were gryphons. His wings were shiny and scaly, like the songbird heralding the dawn. **[Take a drink.]** His wings were like dawn. His beak was as hot as Gerard way's liver. **[Pfft...what?]** His beak was red raw and black and brown. His marks on his head were hot, like a small tortoise on the shelves of ASDA. **[I forgot to ask this before, but what in the blue hell is ASDA?]** His arm was damaged from his hotness. His arm was captain jack harkness and captain jack sparrow in one. His teeth were like pick-up-sticks. It was a shame he was gay. **[A shame? That's a good thing! This way he's impervious to your wicked ways!] **

"Come in come in everyone!" John Barrowman said lovingly in a lovingly way. "Now, what does everyone want for din dins? I have lentils **[I had Lentil soup once, tasted pretty good.]** and blood soup since I know how hungry you vampires get!" he grinned made dinner and we sat down at the table to eat it beautifully. I looked quite beautiful and I could tell Wander and John Barrowman wished they were straight so they could be with me and avoid God's wrath. **[Wrath is a sin, one of the deadly ones too. Just thought I should point that out.]**

I ate with my fork in my right hand because I don't conform to the ideals of society. **[I eat with my cutlery in my right hand too, and so do most people, because it's lefties that are less common, you just dug your own grave.]**


	17. Chapter 16 - Public enemy number one

Chapter 16 – The Sorrowful Rose

Thenks 2 helena for editing again **[And here I was blissfully thinking that she had come to her senses.]**

We concluded on consuming our monochromatic meal beautifully, afterwards I went to the bathroom to sick it up, just sick it up into the toilet statelyly. **[Did I mention that people who fake eating disorders are public enemies in my Realm? Well, now you know.]** Even though my body was already really skinny and emaciated, I was bulemic and anorexic because I was emo and was therefore conflicted and morbid and depressed and insecure and depressed and emo which was is why I has eating disorder even though I am vampire now. **[See what I mean? People actually struggle with this and she's making it seem like a joke with her piece of shit fanfiction.]**

John Barrowman and Wander waved us goodbye as we flew away through the time vortex back home...suddenly…we flew home! I felt sad for John Barrowman and Wander because they were nice people but would be going to hell because they were gay with each other. **[Last I checked in the Christian religion - only God can judge.]** Even though that was hawt it was a sin to do that. **[Pope Francis is okay with the LGBT community, suck on that.]** Suddenly…we were shot out of the sky!

"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA" came an evil laugh infinitesimally. It was….the doctor!  
>"YOU SCORNED ME HELENA, YOU MUST DIE!" he shot eye lasers at us again. I used my superpowers to kill him even though he was already dead, like the songbird heralding the dusk. <strong>[Take a dri- well damn.]<strong>  
>"YOU FILTHY DUCK I AM GLAD YOU ARE PREOPLY DEAD THIS TIME" I detoxified stringently. I doctor was quite hot but he had to die because he tried to rape me and make out with me which I wasn't fond of tbh. <strong>[What.]<strong>

Gandhi appeared out of his dead body. He was soooo fit and sxc even though he was an old man mmmm yeh Gandhi so hot yeh giv it 2 me. **[General, prepare the Skeleton Marines, this is going to be a big one.]**  
>"well done" Gandhi dibbled melodically. "you have killed one of the 7 great evils. <strong>[The Seven Deadly Sins you mean?]<strong> Now only six remain" he said hotly.

"what are the six great evils?" I sighed figuratively. Storm nodded her head in silent solid hot agreement.  
>"well when a man luvs a woman very much he expresses his love with motion" Gandhi malingered. "is they are not married they release great evil on the world known as 7 deadly sins. <strong>[Ah-ha, I knew it.]<strong> The doctor was one of these sins. He has been deleted now only 6 remain you must kill them helene you are the only one who is brave, hot, and strong and magical enough to do it!" he intellectualised. "oh and storm can help. These evils are located throughout the universe and through time itself! The remaining ones you need to find are Master Chief, Ganandorf, Yubaba, Sauron,Tay Zonday, **[Why Tay? Tay Zonday's awesome.]** the LADY OF SORROW." Gandhi reminisced.  
>"weve already killed master chief" Storm said unnecessarily.<br>"pipe down Storm no one likes you" I screamed hotly. "what, pray tell us, are the lady of sorrow?" I said with an air of zirconium. **[Zirconium...**_**zirconium...ZIRCONIUM!**_**]**

"the lady of sorrow is the final test of the great evil itself. She can only be killed once the others are killed first because they are her horcruxes. **[*face palm* Oh wait, it should be more like *face slap* now.]** I am going to send you back now to your normal time because….that is where you live! **[Hurr durr.]** Find me again. The spiders will show you the way." **[How about you don't follow the spiders and instead follow the butterflies. *aside* The butterflies lead straight to the Skeleton Army, it was a trap set by our State Sorcerer.]** Gandhi dispeared on a puff of deku nut smoke. I looked quite beautiful. Suddenly we were in…our normal time!


	18. Chapter 17 - Mormon faith my foot

Chapter 17 – Roses are black **[Only when genetically modified.]**

Back in our normal time. I was very sad even more depressed than usual I mean because I had not been to meet the eddward in a long time. Suddenly…Edward Cullen appeared! He was so hot almost as hot as me. We made out and had sex on the floor. Jasper and Alice tried to join in but I said there was no way because I try to keep to murmum faith. **[I'm pretty sure there are a lot of things against the Mormon teachings in this fanfiction that you overlooked.]** When we were finished we got change but Jasper and Alice stayed naked.

"ok now you're finished I will help you get special powers" Gandhi said. I can tell he thought that I looked hot when I was naked with Edward Cluedo. **[Like that. I'm pretty sure that's against the 'Mormon faith.']**

"I already have loads of special powers not to mention the ones I aquired when being vampire" I superfluoused.  
>"yes but these are very special finishing blows that only I know since I used to be an exorxist of India <strong>[Gandhi was never an exorcist, he was a pillar in Indian independence from Great Britain.]<strong> unfortunately I was not strong enough to fight the great evils and win only you, Helena, are strong enough to do it you chosen one!"he sexed.

I kissed goodbye to my beauty Edward Cullen and me and Storm flew to the Dojo where Gandhi would teach us his special moveset. Once he had taught us his special moves he said "now you know what to do my work is done. I can finally release life, like the songbird heralding the dawn". **[Take a drink.]** Suddenly…Gandhi died!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo" storm cried. "he was my mentor!" she screamed sadly. She knelt down next to him and cried, like a midnight oil spillage. "goodnight sweet prince" she whispered. She made out with his forehead. "im not ok" she expropriated. "I'm not ok I prumise!" She was caught in a bad romance. **[My brain hurts.]**


	19. Chapter 18 - Safety and peace - in death

Chapter 18 – Hero of time (and sorrows)

It was weird being back in Monroeville. We had to leave though to travel to the Elven forests like Gandhi had told us to. I was so fucking depressed. **[Blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH]**

Me and storm flew to the elven forest. The elves were all really hot especially legolas **[Goddammit, why?]** and he wanted to do it but I stayed true to my vows with Edward of cullen because I am a mormon.

The head elf spoke to us. **[Thranduil? Elrond? Celeborn? Galadriel?]** "the first great evil we need you to kill is Ganondorf. He is pretty fly for a white guy **[Pfft...*snicker* Stupid.]** but don't let that fool you because he his sooooo evil!" the head elf excreted wildly. "we shall help you though if you go to our fighting arena there is someone there that might help you kill him since he is a very skilled assassin." **[The Brotherhood has no time for your shenanigans. (Malik: "Thank you for realizing this, but who are you again?") Safety and peace, Malik. Safety and peace.]** The head elf beamed at us angrily. Tom Bom Jolly Tom.

We went to the fighting arena. Travis Touchdown **[Who?]** was there. He helped us learn how to assassinate. Then we flew to Ganondorf's castle in Lithuania. **[Why Lithuania in specific?]** It took a year to get there because there were many birds flying into our faces.

When I'm not quite as depressed as usual I am a really funny, random and crazy person. **[Oh, we've noticed.]** People laugh at my jokes. **[You hear that? Yeah, that's called silence. It's happening because no one's laughing.]** I made the journey go quicker because Storm was a fan of my dry sardonic wit. **[...Seriously? You wouldn't know what dry humor was even if it smacked you across the face with a concrete slab.]** Ganondorf's castle was very big, like the marquee heralding the sogginess. **[Lolwut?]**

I Looked quite pretty even though we had just flown in a storm for a year. Storm was a little worse for wear. **[But of course.]**


	20. Chapter 19 - Undead Parliament

Chapter 19

Me and Storm gefahren to Ganondorf's castle. He was long lean and gay. It's ok when hot guys like each other, but ugly guys doing it is really sinful. **[That is so hypocritical I actually feel sick.]** Gandhi's dead spirit appeared. **[Is he a Force Ghost now?]** "Hury mein freunden, there is only 12 in minute time to defeat him." He screamed, looking extremely hot in his minute loincoth. He was so sexy, if he wasn't dead and if I wasn't married to Edward Cullen I sooooo would, even though he is an old man. **[Not to mention that he had already been dead for over sixty years prior to this monstrosity.]**

Ganondorf laughed evilly, like the songbird heralding the dawn. **[Take a drink.]** He was evil because he was ugly.

Suddenly I had an mind map. **[Is that similar to a brain blast?]** Edward Culena appeared in my mind map and started giving me words.

"USE UR BREASTS, Darkness!" **[Erm...what the what?]** he screamed suddenly. Suddenly… I got naked! Ganondorf was extreme shocked nicely. I was so hot that ganondorf turned straight he had been cured!** [This is so stupid I actually started drooling.]**  
>"yay you has been cured of homoism!" Storm extrapolated wildly. "now you are free like a normal healthy person!" she wilded sexily.<p>

I put on my bra, underwear, skirt shirt. **[I'm pretty the proper term is 'dress.']** And various assortments of jewellery and fishnets. Storm was already fully clothes because she had not got naked you perv.

Finally the next evil had been distraught. **[Oh do keep going, in the meantime I'm going to see if I can't get the Skeleton Air Force and Navy to join. Trying to convince Parliament is a nasty business, most members are a combination of undead beings. Everything from Nazgul and Wraiths, to Letches and Zombies.]**


	21. Chapter 20 - Get a cannon ready

Chapter 20 – The Sorrow Full Rose

We flew back to da pace where we called home (Monroeville) and then suddenly…we we teleported OMG!

We teleported to a random place called Azeroth. **[Where?]** There was a wizard there! He looked like Gandalf from Harry potter. **[*head desk*]** He was hairy. He had a beard. **[No shit.]** It was as white as snow on a egg factory. It was as hot as a lukewarm vegetable soup. **[Lolwut?]**

"MY FRIENDS I NEED YOU" he boomed quietly "IF WE SING THIS SONG WE WILL HELP MY MOTHER LIVE HOOHOO!" came his ecstatically reply. **[Huh?]**

"everyone after me – from the tiny ant" he corrupted Duely. **[Son of a bitch this is going to take a while.]**  
>"from the tiny ant" we smoothed smoothly.<br>"to the elephant" he borrowed.  
>"to the elephant" we chorused nonchalantly.<br>"from da snake to the kangaroo" he soothed.  
>"from the snake to the kangaroo" we crooned sexily.<br>"from the great white shark" he noted inevitably.  
>"from the great white shark" we sidewaysed stonely.<br>"to the singing lark" he repeated polychrasmially.  
>"to the singing lark" we sponsored.<br>"care for them it's up to you" he distinguished hopefully.  
>"care for them it's up to you" we fudged nominally.<br>"care for them it's up to you, care for them it's up to you, no one else can care for them" everyone sang horridly. **[Ready the cannons men. No, not the fireballs yet. Just old boots...**_**do not question me Lieutentant!**_**]**  
>"it's up" he crapped.<br>"it's up" we knockered.  
>"it's up to yooouuuuu" said everyone. After the song was finished (which it just like did) the wizard's mother came back to life. If I wasn't so depressed that I could feel happy I would feel quite glad that the beautiful love of motherhood not really lol had come back into da terrible evil world. <strong>[Aaaauuuugggghhhh.]<strong>

Suddenly…I felt even more depressed than usual!

"*crying* omg I feel soooooo ugly!" **[You are...oh am I not helping? Good, I wasn't planning on it.]** I broke down on the floor because of my horrific uggleness. (Darkness is actually really pretty but she thinks she is ugly because she is depressed and isn't a bighead) I began to slit my crisps happily. I looked really beautiful and emo and depressed with all those big tears funning down my alabaster face. **[I fucking hate you.]**

"noooo ur not ugly you are the most beautiful thing in the world!" **[No she isn't, are you insane? Oh wait, you are. Nevermind.]** storm cried for me depressonly. I said I agreed with her even though I obviously didn't in my mind (even though I was actually really hot)

TO BE CONTINUED **[We're more than halfway through everyone. Hang in there Minions, it'll all be over soon. And then the war will begin.]**


	22. Chapter 21 - What a freaking twist, man

Chapter 21 – Midnight Sorrowfulness

Me and Storm flew back to the homeland of us. Suddenly…Edward was in his house! **[How is that sudden?]** He looked like a hotter version of Gerard Way crossed with Gandhi. **[Her mounting disrespect for the dead is shocking.]** Suddenly…my powers returned! I had a feeling that tonight was gonna be a good night. **[**_***Oh this is gonna be a good night...***_**]** I had a feeling that it shall such a good night. **[You literally just fucking said that.]** (and by good I mean depressing. I used my powers to go back in time because I felt like I had a reason.

We were in Monroeville 7 and a half thousand years ago. I saw…Edwart Cullen! He looked like he was in pain. Me and Storm hid in the trees to watch because we were curious ok don't diss! I scratched my nose because it was really itchy. **[You guys hear the crickets? No? That's because even the crickets are bored.]** Storm had her hand on her head. Suddenly…Edward gave birth to a child! **[Objection!]**

"omg" I said fruitily. It was…a beautiful vampire babby! She looked just like… …..….…

ME! **[What a twist. Hell, that even rivals Shyamalan.]**

I could tell because the baby was really sexy. She looked exactly like me!

"EDWARD!" I yelled girlishly. Edward of Cullen looked up and saw me flying down.  
>"darkness" he said questioningly."OMG it's you!" he screamed lovingly. <strong>[I thought we were in the past...*shakes head* My brain just restarted...where am I?]<strong> My god, Edward looked so hot. But there were questions to be asked.  
>"Edward who is this child you gace birth to?" I replied sexily.<br>"it is…YOU!" came his vivacious reply.  
>"wait so am I…Am i?" I screamed beautifully.<br>"I am your father!" **[*sings* Incest.]** Edward admitted hotly. "I hope this doesn't mean that we can't be together any more because I love you more than anyone!" **[In-cest. Say it with me. In-cest.]** he excused fantastically.  
>"nahh course not you are so hot how could I resist you even if you are my father!" <strong>[Holy motherfuck.]<strong> I gargantued. "I am just so glad that preppy idiot that used to be my father is not!" said I. "I am so glad we shall be having relationship in distant future!" **[AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!]**  
>"Yes me too I have to admit this babby is extremely sxc. I wouldn't say no" Edward numbered suggestively.<p>

Then me and Storm lew back to the present time to learn how to defeat another great evil.


	23. Chapter 22 - I'll be right back

Chapter 22 – The loving of Mr Brightside **[Stop ruining The Killers.]**

Me and Storm Mclovin flew to a mountainside cave (I forgot to mention this earlier it happens after Gandhi told them about the great evils I forgot to say just pretend it's a story ok it's only partly based on real life!") **[*loads crossbow* I'm going to the front, I'll be right back.]**

In the cave was….MR BRIGHTSIDE! He was a hot old man that lived ina cave (this cave). He smelt of the sea because he lived near the sea. **[Derp.]**

There was a giant powerpoint presentation playing in the background. **[Lolwut?]** Me and storm sat down to watch it. It was about how to defeat the great. **[Great what? The Great Bambino? Oh wait, that's baseball.]** Suddenly…Mr Brightside turned evil! He grew wings out of his anus and began to hurt our faces! **[What kind of acid are you taking?]**

I was really strong though and me and Storm defeated him (I did most of the work). I looked really pretty. **[Nnnnderrrrr...*dribble*]**


	24. Chapter 23 - Man down, man down!

ChAPter 23 - the meaning of life

NOTE - THIS CAHPTER IS VERY IMPOTENT FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT SO NOW YOU KNOW **[Oh goody, more dribble about Our Sue.]**

I put my hand into my pocket sexily.

I scoured my pocket creepily until I found a list and a beautiful pen.

I took them out of my pocket.

I looked at the list. **[How is this character development?]**

We had defeated 3 of the great evils now!

I crossed out the Doctor's, Master Chief's, Ganondorf's names with the pen flirtatiously.

Then I put it back in my pocket, not to be seen until we kill Yubaba. **[Who is that?]**

Suddenly…Storm lost me! I was walking around without thinking because I'm so fucking defused. **[So what now?]** I would have called out to her, but I don't conform to the ideals of society. **[*head desk* Ow.]** I felt bored so I sat down waiting for Storm. I got out a camera. I felt tangible, like the fragrant musk of an alabaster pube. **[I'm so disgusted right now.]** I took photos of myself with the camera photographically, making sure the contrast was high and it was in black and white and from a out of the ordinary angle from above with me looking sad, because I don't conform to the ideals of society. **[Most people do that with their self portraits you know. You just dug yourown grave again.]** I then cried circuitously, because I was anorexic and thought I looked really ugly when in fact I'm really pretty and hot. **[Again, how's this character development?]**

Storm wandered in flimsily. "I've been wondering where you might have perchanced to, dalekness" **[I see what you did there.]** Storm cried lavishly, like an orange in a bowl.

"I'm so depressed Storm" said I. "I feel trapped, like a moth in a bath" I sniffed bimonthly. **[So many goddamn word crimes.]** "Maybe I'm not awesome enough for this quest. Look at me. I'm so fucking ugly, **[The truth hurts doesn't it?]** I look almost as ugly as one of those stupid preps that hate this story" **[Bitch just broke the fourth wall. Stop trying to be like Deadpool, he is way too awesome.]** I lamented funnily.

Storm looked at ma sexah face solemnly. "I have to tell you something Darkness. Now, I don't want you to be alarmed. But we have to be serious for a second about this". **[Seriousness is not something that can be done by now.]**

"WHAT WHAT IS IT" I headed compellingmeisterly.

"I think you suit…red streaks" **[What.]** she emptied emptily like an empty bowl.

"Orly?" **[Ya rly.]** I screamed gently. I clicked my fingers and my green streaks turned into red. I had lots of special powers that even vampires don't have, because I am special **[*head de-* No. Not again. I'm going to get a concussion.]** a bit like those people in Heroes you know what I mean yeh? I am metephormagis. **[*head desk*...]**

I was hungry so I made Storm go and get some food. She cooked a meal and it smelled ok but then I remembered I was anorexic so I had to refuse it. **[*comes to* You fucker.]**

God my life sucked. **[Life's a bitch, deal with it.]** My father wasn't my real father, he was a prep anyway and I was so special that people were always out to kill me! And I still didn't have an Ipod nano god I might as well just kill myself. **[How does it feel to be the first person on the Realm's Most Wanted list?]**

But I couldn't. I had a task to do. To defeat the remaining great evils. I looked at the sky. It was the colour of purple, like a piece of rice used customarily. **[Lolwut?]**

Storm decided to go to sleep. God now my own friend hates me she was so selfish so I kicked her until she woke up. Why was Storm so lazy. I was such a good friend to her but all she did was take take take. **[She's selfish? I'm sorry, but who's the one that kicks, screams, and cries when she doesn't get what she wants? That's right - YOU.]**

I picked up a stick. It was brown. **[No shit Sherlock, I thought it was neon pink.]**

NOTE I KNOW YOU MIGHT COMPLAIN SAYING NOT MUCH HAPPENED IN THIS CHAPTER BUT I WANTED TO EXPLORE DARKNESS'S PERSONALITY MORE OK SHE'S VERY TROUBLED AND NOT A MARY SUE LIKE SOME PEOPLE SAY SHE IS JUST A REALLY GOOD PERSON WHO HAPPENS TO BE BEAUTIFUL AND GOOD AT EVERYTHING OK!? **[You literally just described a Mary Sue.]**


	25. Chapter 25 - Helena forgot how to count

Chapter 25 OMG **[Someone forgot how to count.]**

I had just finished slitting my wrists when Storm woke up.

"Darkness" she bomed seductively "we have to go and defeat the next great evil! Or else you will DIE" **[In that case, don't defeat it, please.]** she carried magiacinly.  
>"Ok I think first we have to travel to 7 and a half thousand years in the past time" I ideaed crumpily. Me flew to 7 and a half thousand years ago in the past time.<br>Everything was so different! Adam and Eve were still in the garden of the Eden Project. There were no dinosaurs around because dinosaurs are a lie created by evil scientists to disprove the book of Murmum because they were jelous. **[You didn't go back far enough, dinosaurs are over a million years old according to fossil records.]** The sea was made of lava and people flew on blimps instead of planes (this Is a parallel universe so it has blimps in it ok?) **[We have blimps here, what the hell are you on about?]** There were many spirits flying around. A spirit dragon called Haku **[Am I the only one that thought of Aku from Samurai Jack?]** helped us defeat many monsters. (god bless his soul) He told me I looked hot.

"what great evil do we have to defeat next oh yes it's YUBABA" **[Seriously, I want to know who that is.]** I screeched softly.

Suddenly….I saw Edward Cullen vampire man! He was a lot younger but he looked the same as he did in the future.

"Edward" I applauded rambunctiously. He looked my way. He walked over. He scratched his ear. **[More useless filler details. This fanfiction has more filler episodes than Naruto...oh yeah, I went there.]** "hello my name is Darkness do you know me at all?" I danced meticulovingly.  
>"hmm darkness I have a strange feeling you are going to be important to me one day." He nicely said.<br>"yes in the future we get married and have S-E-X and love each other!" **["You are also somehow my father." To which I am still trying to comprehend.]** I loved.

"orly" **[Ya rly. Damn I am getting tired playing to that meme.]** said he. "ok in that case if we are married in the future we should have S-E-X **[Oh for Pete's sake, just type the word.]** now because married people are allowed to without it being sin full because you are so hot I can't resist you!" **[What the what and who now?]** he cried. Then we did it on the floor. **[Common decency people! Think of the children!]**


	26. Chapter 26 - Ya Dun Goofed

Chapter 26 – The baby of sorrow

-9 MONTHS LATER-

Me and Storm had stayed in the past for 9 months because we still hadn't found Yubaba's **[Seriously, who is that? I don't feel like Googling it.]** whereabouts. I was very happy though, because it meant I got to spend a lot of time with my husband Eddward of Culena. I got a job as a model to earn some extra credits (this is the currency in this past time world) **[Where I'm from those help you advance in school. You know, school? As in a place where you go to educate yourself and learn several different subjects to help you become a productive member of society? How about you start going to one?]** so we could buy things from shops and various tradesmen. However, Deano the Manny Man was a farmer, and not happy with this, so he raised dispute against competitive citizens **[Ummm...what?]**

It was weird that Edward Cullen had fallen in love with me before I'd met him in the future. It was many a time paradox. **[Time is an illusion. Wait, what?]** One day when we were having breakfast in our tree (people lived in trees in the past I think) **[They didn't ya goof.]** Jasper and Alice came to visit. This was before sex changed were invented, so Alice was still a girl.

Both of them were naked. **[The fuuuuuu-]** Jasper had a six pack almost as big as Edward Cullen's.

Suddenly…Edward yelled!  
>"HELP ME DARKNESS I'M GOING INTO LABOUR!" <strong>[You just said sex change had not been developed, which is true, so please explain to me how Edward Cullen, a male, can possibly go into labor?]<strong> he sobbed ecstatically. We dragged him out of the house and into a clearing so as not to mess up the carpet. Blood spilled out of his disco stick. He was crying with pain. Suddenly…a head appear out of his "magic wand" (you know wat I mean)! **[How old to you have to be to refer to male genitalia in such a way?] ** Then the body then the was….

A BABY! I looked up into the trees. I could see me looking back watching Edward. I knew if I stayed here I would fly down and meet myself which would cause the universe to melt. "quick everyone except Edward must leave!" I brightness.

We all left except Edward. I always walked with my left foot first because I don't conform to the ideals of society. **[Just don't do that going onto a ship - 'tis bad luck.]** After my past self had met the Edward I went back and helped him back to the house. I knew the baby was me because it was sexy.

On the way back I met Storm. "DARKNESS" SHE fudged unducncly. "YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME I HAVE FOUND YUBABA WE MUST KILL HER!" **[BECAUSE EVERYONE TALKS IN ALL CAPS AS IF IT WERE NORMAL.]**

TO BE CONTINUED


	27. Chapter 26 - Still doesn't know numbers

Chapter 26 **[Still doesn't know how to count apparently.]**

SOOO YEH ENEWEY I wus ma own mum it is much confusion. **[Ya think?]** Gggggggaaaaaaaay. Me and killed Yubaba it was hard but we did did it totally. **[Did your IQ completely diminish in between chapters?]** Then a bird appeared nonchalantly. He was the size of a human and had small wings. **[A giant kiwi bird.]** Ne of it's eyes was huge and bloodshot and the other was quite small in comparision to the other eye. His eye was like a moon because it was vaguely circular. It didn't have a real beak – it's beak was stuck on with prick stick, and it's mouth was separate mouth to its beak. It was yellow with an orange "beak". It's feet were black. **[What kind of marijuana are you smoking?]**

"Hi. Ma name's Bulb bird. I will be your tour guide for the day" he birded quaintly. Just then John Barrowman walked past.

Me and Storm followed Bulb Bird around the city. (we had left the past word btw) We were in the city of England. **[England's not a city, dipshit. Of course, I didn't expect you to know that now that your IQ is less than ten.]** It was a horrible grotty magladantious place. Everyone there was ugly except me. **[Of course they are...not.]** (even though I think I am ugly and get depressed about it, I'm actually not) **[Oh no, I can assure you, you are one ugly fuck.]**

Suddenly…we walked next to Bulb Bird's car! I wondered for a second how a bird with wings could drive a car. **[I'm just wondering what kind of weed you're smoking.]**

"Come in my childs. I have a Muller Light. It's nice. You can have it." He shat beautifully.  
>"Awesome I lurve yog hurts!" Storm cried friendlily. I refused to eat it because I am anorexic because I think I am fa even though I'm really skinny. Suddenly…Bulb Bird drove away…..suddenly….with Storm in the car! <strong>[Oh, kidnapping. Great. Call me when I care.]<strong>


	28. Chapter ? - No joke, there's no number

I was worried. I couldn't use my powers to save her because they had suddenly stopped working cos England town was sooo skanky. **[You're a flaming bitch to my UK readers.]** Suddenly I materialised a skateboard in the air and caught a ride on the back of a whale on wheels like what Mort Mc Fli does in Back to da Future. **[Stay away from Marty, he doesn't deserve this.]** I was very very sexy. I caught up with the Bulb Bird **[How did you catch up to a car on a skateboard?]** and sawhis secret underground gangster place. Suddenly…I walked down the steps into his hideout!

Storm was tied to a chair and had brown tape around her big stupid mouth. **[The way you treat your friends in your fanfictions, I'm surprised you have friends at all.]** Bulb Bird was about to RAPE her (see I can tackle serious issues too) **[You don't 'tackle serious issues.' You make a big joke out of them, have you forgotten the self-harm and anorexia spiel you did?]**

"Unhand her you fiend!" said I, like the songbird heralding the dawn. **[Take a drink.]** It was foreshaodowing. **[No it wasn't. And stop raping the English language...or whatever language you're speaking.]** Then suddenly…Bulb Bird was stabbed through the middle! I looked around splederadifically to see who done it… it was…CORK CHILD! **[Who?]**

"I am Cork Child!" Cork Child corked childishly. "Wassup homies!"

Cork Child had the head of a cork and the body of a child. **[That sounds like a nightmare.]** He flew through the air because he had a Cork Head.

Me and Storm flew away to the present time for our next assignment.


	29. Chapter 28 - Watch out Tay Zonday

CHAPTER 28 – THE SORROW OF SORROW

ME AND STORM FLEW TO A PLACE WHERE SAURON WAS. IT WAS…..MORDOR! **[No shit, I thought it was in Narnia.]** WHILST WE Were there we bbought an ice cream made of chocoface. DJ Otzi **[Who?]** (from Switzerland Land) walked past us sexily.

Me and Storm tried to fight Sauron. Then me and Storm killed him by shooting hi eyes with those little silver balls you can get on cake **[What?]** sometimes thinking of that made me hungry but then I realised I was anorexic so I didn't eat any actually probably. **[How are you still alive?]**

When Sauron was dead I looked at my hands horrifically. What had I done? I had killed so much for the sake of others, but did killing these people make me worse than the evils themselves? **[You're not Batman, so stop trying to act like him.]** I barely had time to contemplate this when the digger truck man drove past again. He looked at me but he was ugly so there was noooo waaay. Suddenly…Edward's face started breathing inside me! **[Apparently Our Sue and Cullen are one now...I didn't need to sleep tonight anyway.]**

"oh sorry" came Edward's muffled voice from inside my intestines. "I tried to teleport but it went wrong anyway I have a message for you. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE" **[No shit, you're where her colon should be.]** he whispered CULLENingly. I was scared. What did he mean? Had the time lords returned? (SPOILERS) **[Nope.]**

"WELL" said storm jeeruinghotingly. "I guess it's time for us to defeat the next great evil. TAY. ZONDAY!" **[Tay Zonday is amazing, why are you targeting him specifically?]** se krepped esoterically. "but first I'm going home to see my parental guardians" she gated.

I sighed. Storm was so annoying. **[Going home to see one's parents is annoying to you? You inconsiderate bitch.]**


	30. Chapter 29 - Someone call Air Force One

Chapter 29

Authors note – I'm trying to prove to Doris that my chapter will get a better review than hers if I actually make it make sense instead of writing random crap. Please leave feedback. – Love, Helena **[I SO FUCKING KNEW THIS WAS A TROLL FICTION! I'm still going to commentate it though.]**

Storm and I landed in front of her house. It was dark now, a soft light shined in the window welcomingly, the warm scent of baking wafted through the air, inviting us in. As I breathed it in, a flood of memories came back, all the time I spent in my best friend's home, in company of people who loved me, unlike my own father. **[That is the first paragraph that actually made some sense, the grammar's horrible though - look at those run-ons.]**

We made our way down the old cobbled path to the front door; Storm looking happier than she ever did since we began our journey. **[Gee, you don't say? I'd imagine it would be better for her if you weren't there.]** I heard voices inside, those same comforting voices I knew so well. As we waited to be let in, I caught my reflection in the door panel, there were dark heavy lids under my eyes and my once smooth face was haggard and rough. I looked somewhat older, more knowing. Could killing really change me that much? **[When a human kills another it has been proven that it screws up the mental state of the murderer, so yes.]**

The door eventually opened after repeated knocking. I looked into the old rheumy eyes of an old man. He was bent over, using a stick for support, and he no longer had that playful energetic look I remembered so well. Instead, he looked tired, tired of life.

"Dad?" Storm said, looking as shocked as me at his transformation.  
>"Who is this?" he grumbled, squinting at us suspiciously.<br>"It's me dad. I'm home." Suddenly his eyes widened.  
>"Storm?" Storm smiled at him, her lip trembling slightly. <strong>[I honestly would've liked it better if they didn't remember her at all. It would make more sense, too. They fucked with the timeline so many times I wouldn't be surprised if they were behind the rapture.]<strong>

We sat down in the living room, which was largely unchanged from what I remembered, although there was no old dog by the fireplace, and Storm's mother was missing from her usual spot on the moth eaten sofa. The old man didn't speak much, he just looked overwhelmed at the arrival of his daughter.  
>"So…" she said as she served the tea. "How're things then?" He just shook his head in sheer amazement, and gave me a look as if to ask if this was really happening.<br>"Where's mum?" Storm asked. I felt apprehensive, thinking I already knew the answer. I doubted she had just gone to the shops. The father made a strange choking noise, **[What is that mysterious ticking noise?]** and began sobbing into his daughter's shoulder.

"There was another car…I wasn't there, you know how much she wanted to learn to drive?" **[You mean she didn't know? What time period were you guys born in?]**  
>"oh dad" she whispered, trying desperately to stifle the tears that threatened to escape. Then she turned to me and muttered urgently; "we can stop it! We can use your powers, Darkness, we can go back!"<br>"I can't."  
>"What? No, we can, we can! We can go back!"<br>"You can't change things that have already happened. **[That is literally all you've been doing for the past twenty chapters.]** You can use the past to change the future, but this…it's already happened. **[You failed. That didn't make sense.]** I'm so sorry." Her desperation only made me feel worse. She just hung onto me, crying and crying as I tried to keep my own tears away.


	31. Chapter 30 - Back to inane dribble

Chapter 30 – Knot dressed as ogres, hidden gendercide. **[And we're back to dribble.]**

I sighed vehemently. Storm was so freaking! Who cared about her dead mum I hate people that whine about their life **[You don't seem to mind doing it with your own life.]** when there are people are worse off in third world countries like America and stuff. **[The U.S. is far from third world, what are you playing at?]**

Suddenly…I HEARD THE TARDIS! It sounded familiar yet alien, like the songbird heralding the dawn. **[Take a drink.]** I was afraid because I thought I had killed the doctor! When he ahd tried to rape me!

Suddenly…a man and a ginger walked out. It wasn't the doctor I knew.

"DARKNESS, MY GOOD FRIEND!" he whispered shoutingly. **[The blind man went to see fair play...]** I backed away.  
>"DON'T YOU DARE RAPE ME YOU FAT F*CK" I SCREAMED wonderfully<br>"AND HOW ARE YOU SO ALIVE" I SCREAMED beautifully.  
>"It's ok Darkness" the doctor said menacingly and nicely. "I am much more better now because I have redemptioned. When you killed me I regenerated into Matt Smith and I am no longer rapist! David tenant is gone from my blood system!" he jehova'd. <strong>[As in Jehovah's Witness? What the actual fuck?]<strong>

I sighed because he was so cool in his bow tie and tweed jacket unlike rapist tennant. Then the doctor grabbed amy (the orange one) **[Amy's an Oompa Loompa?]** and edward appeared out of nowhere because he loves me and we have a psychic link. **[Bullshit.]** We all did the Boston two step happily except Storm because storm is annoying too get a bf. **[I would not be surprised if she lost all her friends at the end of this.]**

Suddenly…amy STARTED GLOWING OMG! She transformed into….SYLAR! He was sorta hot I guess but kinda creepy looking so there was noooo waaaaaay.

Sylar walked towards me fantagilicatlly. "oh lookie what we gave here" he creamed sexily. "looks like you're …special. I wouldn't mind having your powers" **[As soon as you get them would you mind coming to my Realm so my scientists can do a series of very painful experiments on you?]**

"GET AWAY FROM ME BITCH" I fatalled fortifying magically. Suddenly….

TO BE CONTINUED (?) **[One more chapter Minions, hang in there.]**


	32. Chapter 31 - The Goddamn End - Finally

CHAPTER 31- when I was 10 and one week old

WHEN I WAS **[Oh dear gods.]**  
>A YOUNG GIRL <strong>[Stop it.]<strong>  
>MY FATHER (yknow the preppy one not my real father Edward) <strong>[Please.]<strong>  
>TOOK ME INTO THE CITY <strong>[Seriously?]<strong>  
>BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO CONFORM TO STEREOTYPES <strong>[Really now?]<strong>

But I didn't want to. I was emo through and through I didn't want to conform to his preppy imagine of daughterness. **[Just a little bit further.]** One night I was angry with the prep so I went into the garden which was in the forest that I lived in (remember that? Yeeeaaah continuity bitches) **[Here's my own continuity: Have you met my good friend Slenderman?]**

Suddenly…I HEARD A ****ING NOISE! **[Just say it, and be proud. I always do. **_***I love to say FUCK!***_**(1)]** A blue box materialised in front of my very augen. A strange man stepped out in front of me. He was wearing a bow tie **[Hi Candlejack. You've been coming around a lot recently.]**

**Footnotes:**

(1): That's a song from Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13 (Wednesday 13's first band), it was then used for Murderdolls, (super group formed by Mr. 13 and Joey Jordison) and later for Mr. 13's solo work. The song title is "I Love to Say Fuck."

**Author's Rambling:**

And about a week later it is complete! That was extraordinarily painful. If you somehow managed to make it to the end, I congratulate you to the fullest extent, and I owe you all a year's supply of homemade Internet chocolate chip cookies as a consolation prize.

Review this story or message me directly for any suggestions for bad fanfiction. I'm presently working on another I that had found on my own, but I'm always often for suggestions.

I kind of want to spoof a CreepyPasta one. Do you guys think you can find me a CreepyPasta fanfiction? I think you can, there are so many horrible ones.


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